Rejection hurts, any way you slice or dice it. Maybe you've been turned down by a new crush, rejected from a friend group or didn't get the dream job you applied to — no matter what form of rejection it is, getting told "no" after you've put it all out there can often feel heartbreaking. It can be enough to make you want to stop putting yourself out there again altogether.
But if you allow one rejection to damper your self-worth and hold you back from living your life, it can have far-reaching consequences, as small as it may be in reality. In fact, dealing with rejection in unhealthy ways can negatively impact your personal relationships — and, in some cases, can even snowball into depression and anxiety, says Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D, psychologist and author of Bouncing Back from Rejection: Build the Resilience You Need to Get Back Up When Life Knocks You Down.
How can you come back from a rejection feeling stronger? Despite this painful experience, getting rejected may actually benefit you — it can empower you to grow and become more resilient later in life. So the next time you get a "no" for an amazing opportunity, or from someone who you care for very much, turn to one of these healthy, adaptive techniques that are all approved by a panel of psychologists.
Realize why rejection hurts so much.
There's a reason all rejections sting so much — and it's not because you're weak or too sensitive. In fact, there's an evolutionary facet to why we desperately need other people to accept us; according to Lori Gottlieb, M.F.T., psychotherapist and author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, our need for connection traces way back to ancient history, when humans relied on being in groups to survive.
"When somebody rejects us, there's a very primal piece to it, which is that it goes against everything we feel like we need for survival," Gottlieb says.
Beyond an evolutionary standpoint, our response to rejection also depends on something called our attachment styles, or the models in which we develop our relationships with other people. People who interact with their caregivers in a healthy way as infants, Becker-Phelps says, usually develop a secure attachment style in which they view themselves as being worthy and lovable — but those with insecure attachment styles come to generally view themselves as unlovable, unworthy and inadequate. It's no wonder, then, that some of us have a harder time getting through rejection — our need for connection is wired into us right from birth!
Use romantic rejection as an opportunity to prevent another heartbreak.
Out of all the types of rejection, getting rejected from a crush or romantic partner can easily feel the worst, as it involves aspects of yourself that may be outside of your control (like your physicality). According to Lisa Bahar, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist, romantic relationships have an intimacy component that leads individuals to feel more vulnerable — and therefore, can cause individuals to feel more hurt when we face rejection in this way.
“There’s a deep feeling of abandonment,” says Bahar. “And sometimes, the person might seek to fulfill that abandonment by immediately attaching to another love interest.”
But jumping right into another relationship to dull the pain of the first rejection can lead to an unhealthy cycle of reinforcing that old traumatic wound of your first rejection. Instead, Bahar recommends taking some time to self-reflect first; even though you may not be successful at first, trying to land on the root of why things didn't work out may help you be better aware in future relationships.
If, for instance, your partner rejects your marriage proposal (or any proposal to move your relationship to the next level) you should consider it an opportunity to reassess and take stock of your relationship — and self-reflect on your own emotions and intentions.
“A big part of [dealing with that rejection] is values and priorities — checking in with what your values are, and checking in with your partner’s values,” says Bahar. “If there are two different levels of values and priorities, then that’s something that deserves communication about.”
Practice self-care and place yourself in a positive, nurturing environment.
"In the immediate aftermath of a rejection, we're not really in that space to think about it because we're in so much pain," explains Gottlieb. Anger and hurt will probably be your immediate reactions after a rejection, but contrary to popular belief, releasing your anger (for example, screaming or hitting a punching bag) doesn't help bring the negative emotion down — in fact, it's likely to even increase it.
In these moments, self-care is truly important. Bahar specifically recommends practicing what's known as distress tolerance skills, a set of skills used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) that are designed to survive and manage an emotional crisis. This includes self-soothing skills, which involve soothing each of your five senses. “It’s about creating a safe, emotional safe area for yourself — really taking a multi-sensory experience of your living environment, wherever that is, so that you have a place to heal,” explains Bahar.
Try enjoying something visual like looking at pretty pictures or putting flowers in your room; or, slowly sip on a warm beverage; light a nice-smelling candle or even don soft pajamas to feel warm and cozy. Becker-Phelps also recommends physical activities like exercising and going for a run, doing yoga and meditation — all of which can help you get in a balanced place to think more clearly about the situation instead of getting into the rut of emotional thinking.
Take some time to process your emotions.
After you've taken some time to calm down and get grounded, it's important to pay attention to what you're feeling — and a great way to do this is to write it all down in a journal.
One exercise you can do, says Becker-Phelps, is to literally list all the emotions you're feeling — and then pair them with the thoughts that are going with those emotions. "Just by doing that, you're getting some distance, and then you can cope with the rejection in a better way, because you're not just all tangled up in it," she says.
And whenever you are paying attention to your emotions, remember that it's never helpful to feel like you shouldn't feel a certain way. "Your emotions are never right or wrong, they just are," notes Becker-Phelps.
Avoid rumination and instead affirm your self-worth.
After a rejection, we tend to beat ourselves up over the things that might have led us to be rejected — and might even end up dwelling on these negative emotions, a process called rumination. This habit, however, inevitably causes us to feel worse. "The first thing a lot of people do when they get rejected is to be unkind to themselves, and they start coming up with all kinds of ideas about what's wrong with them," Gottlieb notes.
If you have negative thoughts about yourself, Bahar recommends first observing — then challenging — those thoughts. If you have thoughts like “I’m unlovable” after being rejected by a love interest, for example, it’s important to acknowledge that it’s simply a thought. “Tell your mind that you can feel unlovable and still be lovable at the same time,” says Bahar. “It’s just a feeling, it’s just a thought — it’s not a fact.”
To affirm your self-worth, write down some things that are positive about yourself — for instance, come up with a list of some of your strengths and values, and start your morning off each day by reading them out loud to yourself.
"This doesn't mean just talking yourself up, but thinking about what makes you, you," explains Becker-Phelps. By helping you hold on to the things that are a part of you, these self-affirmations will help you feel stronger just by recognizing who you really are and how you identify yourself, especially in the face of self-doubt that often comes with rejection.
Lean on a support system and the people you love.
The most important thing to remember is that life doesn't boil down to this one rejection — there are always plenty of people who are on your side. To remind yourself that you haven't been completely shunned by the world, turn to your friends and family; make sure that you're still feeling truly connected with other people around you. If you're trying to figure out how to deal with rejection from a crush, for instance, you might want to turn to your friends for moral support and some quality BFF time.
"Connection is so important because it reminds us of all the things that we can't remember in that moment: It reminds us of how lovable we are … that people care about us … that we're worthy," Gottlieb says.
Even if you can't actually spend time with a loved one at the moment, try taking some time to just think of someone who's important in your life. In fact, you can even find a picture of them — preferably a photo of you two enjoying your time together — and set some time to look at it each day while reminding yourself that this person supports you.
"Sometimes by repeating that and seeing the pictures, you start to take it inside and then you kind of carry it in your heart more strongly," Becker-Phelps shares. "So when a difficult situation comes up and you feel rejected, you can go back to the image of that person — even just in your mind — and feel comforted by them because you've been practicing feeling comforted."
Double down on healthy lifestyle habits to bounce back.
Sometimes, it can boil down to just everyday things in your home or work routine that might influence how you respond to rejection. Maybe you didn't get enough sleep, or haven't been eating well lately. These things can definitely make it harder to handle rejection in a healthy way — so one thing you can do to cope better is to work on leading a healthy lifestyle.
This means focusing in on eating well, exercising frequently, and staying hydrated, all of which can help you stay strong in the face of rejection. "The healthier your lifestyle, the more resources you have then to deal with difficult situations," notes Becker-Phelps.
Don't let rejection stop you from trying again.
If there's one important skill to learn from rejection, it's that you should never let it stop you from your future endeavors — getting rejected is just an inevitable part of life, after all, and every single successful person has experienced it at one time or another.
So the next time you're turned down for a date or a promotion you've been gunning for, remind yourself that rejection happens to everyone — and instead of allowing yourself to be devastated and beat down, ask yourself what you can do going forward. "The most important thing is to not sit in the rejection, but to say; Is there anything I can learn from this experience?" asks Gottlieb. "And then what can I do moving forward? Where can I go?"
Hannah Jeon
Associate Commerce Editor
Hannah (she/her) is the associate commerce editor for Prevention. Previously, she was the editorial assistant for Good Housekeeping, where she writes health content and assists with social media strategy across platforms including Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and Twitter. Previously GH's editorial fellow, she earned her bachelor's degree in writing seminars and psychology from Johns Hopkins University. When she isn’t endlessly scrolling through social media, you can often find her clicking away behind a camera, fangirling over Taylor Swift or trying out new food spots in New York City.
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FAQs
Oftentimes, people don't understand exactly why they've been rejected, which can lead to a downward spiral of negative introspection and an overall sense of not feeling “good enough.” Social and romantic rejection can be especially traumatic and negative for our self esteem. “Humans are inherently social creatures.
What does brene brown say about rejection? ›
Dr. Brené Brown stated that “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them” in her bestselling book, Rising Strong.
What does rejection do to a person? ›
Social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness. It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks, and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control, as DeWall explains in a recent review (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011).
What does the Bible say about rejection? ›
We know that, now, nothing can separate us from the Father's love (Romans 8:38-39). Man's rejection is made so small in light of the truth that, through the gospel, we have God's eternal love and acceptance, unconditionally.
Why am I hyper sensitive to rejection? ›
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure.
Why does rejection trigger me so much? ›
The answer is — our brains are wired to respond that way. When scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection, they discovered something amazing. The same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain.
Is rejection a trauma response? ›
Fear of rejection is caused by complex post-traumatic stress disorder that began in childhood. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition that forms when children are abused or otherwise traumatized during their formative years.
What is the shame response to rejection? ›
According to Thomas, the shame response is a physiological response to rejection of oneself by another. This can be reflected in intense physical pain or by a barely noticeable response.
How do you not let rejection destroy you? ›
Tips for Dealing with Rejection:
- Remind yourself that it is their opinion, Not fact, that has led to rejection. Don't take it personally.
- Rejection is a blessing in disguise. ...
- Consider all the reasons they were wrong for you. ...
- See it as their loss. ...
- Learn from it.
Rejection can take a major toll on your self-esteem and often leads to deep emotional wounds and wounds in your spirit that open up doors that cause you to experience other negative emotions, including depression, fear, doubt, isolation, self-pity, suicidal thoughts, people pleasing, double-mindedness, eating disorders ...
5) Don't Rule Out Friendship
As long as you don't make a big problem about it and deal with the rejection maturely, then this person can still be in your life if they want to be. Sometimes, it can be the start of a really good friendship so don't go cutting any ties because it didn't work out romantically.
Does rejection make us stronger? ›
Rejection affects us all - but luckily, like for Oprah, it can make us stronger. It is human nature to remember the pain, the frustration - but overlook the positives that we have drawn from our experience of rejection. When you think about it, rejection is also a powerful way to grow and develop.
What is the Psalm for rejection? ›
Rejection stings. It can be embarrassing and, if it happens often enough, can lead to self-doubt. To be rejected is to be spurned, dismissed, turned down, rebuffed, or marginalized.
How do Christians overcome rejection? ›
What to Do Next
- Do not argue. Do not jeopardize your testimony (and potentially build barriers for other believers who may engage. ...
- Do not take their rejection personally. ...
- Continue to pray for their repentance. ...
- Continue to live out Christ-likeness and be available for future reference. ...
- End with a warning.
Rejection has been used by God throughout the Bible to redirect, refocus and refresh His children. By faith, let's step out onto the path He has laid out before us, trusting that any detours or delays are part of His plan for our good.
Why is rejection so painful? ›
What makes the bite in rejection so particularly gnarly may be because it fires up some of the same pain signals in the brain that get involved when we stub our toe or throw out our back, Leary explains.
What is the psychology of rejection? ›
In the field of mental health care, rejection most frequently refers to the feelings of shame, sadness, or grief people feel when they are not accepted by others. A person might feel rejected after a significant other ends a relationship. A child who has few or no friends may feel rejected by peers.
Is rejection sensitivity a mental illness? ›
Rejection sensitive dysphoria isn't a recognized diagnosis under the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) so a professional diagnosis may not always be possible. To assess your symptoms, you'll need to see either a counselor, psychologist, or other mental health professional.
Why do I crave someone who rejected me? ›
Romantic rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings. Being romantically rejected can be a familiar feeling that mirrors one's childhood, leading that person to seek out more of the same.
How do you stop obsessing over someone who rejected you? ›
Here's why rejection hurts so much and some expert-approved tips for moving forward and finding emotional strength.
- Know there's a reason that rejection hurts. ...
- Process your feelings. ...
- Understand where the rejection came from. ...
- Avoid unproductive rumination. ...
- Take stock of what you can learn. ...
- Surround yourself with positivity.
Research has shown that romantic rejection can leave people feeling worthless and incompetent, especially if they have been overlooked in favor of someone else. What that tells us is that it's easy to allow a negative outcome to create false beliefs about ourselves like we are unworthy or unlovable.
Can you have PTSD from being rejected? ›
Results. Higher vulnerable attachment, rejection sensitivity, and lower social support were found to be significant predictors of PTSD symptoms (f2 = 0.75). The relationships from vulnerable attachment to PTSD were mediated by rejection sensitivity and perceived social support.
What emotion is associated with rejection? ›
Several specific emotions arise from the prospect or presence of rejection, including hurt feelings, loneliness, jealousy, guilt, shame, social anxiety, embarrassment, sadness, and anger.
What are the 4 main trauma responses? ›
The responses are usually referred to as the 4Fs – Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and have evolved as a survival mechanism to help us react quickly to life-threatening situations.
How do confident people react to rejection? ›
- Rejection can be difficult but confident people don't let it slow them down.
- Confident people acknowledge the rejection rather than live in denial.
- Learn from failure and try to improve from it when you move on.
- Don't view a rejection as a reflection of your personal sense of worth.
“It's important to talk about rejection and failures. They become formative moments for growth.”
- ✅ Celebrate your wins, no matter how small.
- ❌ Avoid negative self-talk.
- ⌛ Give yourself time to recover.
- Consider where you can be of service.
- 🤔 Take a moment to reassess.
- 🤝 Find a confidant or supportive community.
7 Ways Mentally Strong People Bounce Back From Rejection
- They Acknowledge Their Discomfort. ...
- They Give Themselves A Reality Check. ...
- They Celebrate Their Courage. ...
- They Refuse To Allow Failure To Define Them. ...
- They Practice Self-Compassion. ...
- They Learn From Rejection. ...
- They Move Forward With Confidence.
Rejection breeds obsession. But the truth is that rejection is protection. No one likes rejection. Most hate it, despising it so much that in phobic fear, they'll do anything, often to no avail, to protect themselves from it.
How do I free myself from rejection? ›
10 Tips for Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection
- Accept it.
- Validate your feelings.
- Look for the lessons.
- Know your worth.
- Have a backup.
- Narrow down the fear.
- Face your fear.
- Avoid negative self-talk.
Rejection trauma results from growing up in homes where we were rejected and often considered worthless and a waste of our parent's time. Perhaps we were told we were worthless, or our parents maltreated us using us for their own pleasure. The result of having no support and being rejected… February 14, 2022.
Rejection is never going to feel good, but it's also never a dead-end. In the end, that person may actually be doing you a favor so you can find someone better suited to you, Bette Levy Alkazian, a psychotherapist, told INSIDER. "In most cases, the rejection has nothing to do with you," she said.
How long does the pain of rejection last? ›
Most people start to feel better 11 weeks following rejection and report a sense of personal growth; similarly after divorce, partners start to feel better after months, not years. However, up to 15 percent of people suffer longer than three months (“It's Over,” Psychology Today, May-June, 2015).
How does a rejected man behave? ›
He may choose to walk away. He may feel satisfied with himself for trying. Or he could react aggressively, calling the woman a name or worse, assaulting her. Well, the first thing that comes to anyone's mind after being rejected is anger, despair and sadness or even shock.
How long does it take to get over rejection from a friend? ›
Most people start to feel better 11 weeks following rejection and report a sense of personal growth; similarly, after divorce, partners start to feel better after months, not years. However, up to 15 percent of people suffer longer than three months.
How do you know if she regrets rejecting you? ›
20 signs she regrets losing you and wants you back
- She begins to communicate with you. ...
- She apologizes and takes responsibility. ...
- She becomes more caring than before. ...
- She talks about how uninteresting her life is. ...
- She tries to make up for her mistakes. ...
- She remains single even if there are suitors.
Recognize that rejection is a part of life
And rejection can lead to positive change. It means you're pushing your limits, taking risks, and leaving your comfort zone behind. If you're living a life free of rejection, you're doing something wrong.
Why does rejection build confidence? ›
The more rejection you face, the easier it is to gain confidence through that rejection. You start to learn the signs that something just isn't right for you or isn't going to work out because you have the knowledge of that previous experience.
How do you accept rejection and move on? ›
- Use romantic rejection as an opportunity to prevent another heartbreak.
- Practice self-care and place yourself in a positive, nurturing environment.
- Take some time to process your emotions.
- Lean on a support system and the people you love.
- Double down on healthy lifestyle habits to bounce back.
We choose to obey or to disobey Him. By His marvelous grace and mercy, He's given us the power of free choice. Those who reject or neglect Christ will be in Hell. No man will go to Hell because he lived an immoral life, for Christ Himself will forgive those who repent of sin and received Him as Savior.
What is the most depressed Psalm? ›
Psalm 88 has been called "an embarrassment to conventional faith."1 What we hear in the psalm is a voice of despair, fear, and hopelessness, crying out to a silent and absent God. It is little wonder that Ps 88 is often regarded as one of the darkest corners of the Psalter.
"Sometimes, Man's Rejection is God's Protection is a reference based upon Biblical principles to deal with rejection. Consequently, a reader is able to transition from the perception that rejection is an obstruction to believing that it is a phenomenon/situation that God can use for His purpose.
What is the fate of rejection? ›
People who have a fear of rejection are afraid of not being liked, being abandoned, not fitting in or being alone. People who fear rejection may struggle with low self-esteem, lack of confidence, shame, or guilt, and spend a lot of time and energy worrying about what others think of them.
What is the rejection of God called? ›
Misotheism is the "hatred of God" or "hatred of the gods" (from the Greek adjective misotheos (μισόθεος) "hating the gods" or "God-hating" – a compound of, μῖσος, "hatred" and, θεός, "god").
What is the goodness of rejection? ›
Rejection is an opportunity to rediscover, reevaluate, and explore different paths, yourself, and this time better. Rejection is inevitable. It comes to everyone. So, do not stop, do not look back, do not take it to a heart, and keep moving forward.
Can rejection traumatize you? ›
Whatever the rejection stems from, big or small, can trigger an individual's post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Once the memory of the trauma resurfaces, the rejection can impact a person's self-esteem and provoke havoc.
Why does rejection make you bitter? ›
This can explain why, when we feel rejected by our romantic partners we feel angry, because our self-esteem is diminished and we feel that we are not loved and accepted, a primal human need. It has also been seen that rejection causes people to become angry and react with aggression.
How do I stop being triggered by rejection? ›
How to deal with rejection
- Recognize that rejection is a part of life. Some things aren't meant to be. ...
- Accept what happened. The worst way to cope with rejection is to deny it. ...
- Process your emotions. ...
- Treat yourself with compassion. ...
- Stay healthy. ...
- Don't allow rejection to define you. ...
- Grow from the experience.
Fear of rejection is such a real thing because rejection directly triggers one of our greatest vulnerability. We often perceive it as a blow to our self-worth, something we're hard-wired to protect at all costs. As a result, a range of negative emotions can surface after hearing a "no" or other feedback.
What emotion comes from rejection? ›
Several specific emotions arise from the prospect or presence of rejection, including hurt feelings, loneliness, jealousy, guilt, shame, social anxiety, embarrassment, sadness, and anger.
Can rejection cause deep emotional pain? ›
Keep in mind that emotional pain and anger at rejection are totally normal reactions to abnormal situations. No one likes being passed over, but it's going to happen more times in life than we like to imagine. Not everyone gets the corner office and not everyone gets to play varsity, either.
Rejection breeds obsession. But the truth is that rejection is protection. No one likes rejection. Most hate it, despising it so much that in phobic fear, they'll do anything, often to no avail, to protect themselves from it.
How does rejection make you strong not weak? ›
Rejection makes us stronger.
People do not grow stronger when everything is working for them, but when they are forced to cope with the unexpected or the undesirable. In this way, rejection helps us by showing us just how strong, resourceful, and capable we really are when the chips are down.
